I’m not good with doing anything "half way." Some would view this as a good thing, that I always follow things through and see them to the end. I consider it a bad thing.
That’s likely just a side-effect of growing up with it but I can’t ever just like something, I always have to love and obsess over it. Yes, I never give up but that doesn’t mean I see it through. I get tired, I get sad, but I don’t give up praying I can make it there and that’s part of the problem. I keep the dream/goal/aspiration, but I lose all belief in myself while knowing that I have to keep trying.
I’m going to wind up 80 years-old and unsatisied thanks to this.
I’m trying not to let hockey become one of those things for me. If there’s something in life I can accomplish, I have to believe it’s this. The biggest problem I have with it is that I dream big. My first goal, my stepping stones, I want them to get me somewhere spectacular. I’m also not good with dreaming up things I can actually accomplish.
I’ve been off the ice since Tuesday last week and I’ve been craving it since Wednesday. I’m trying not to let this be something I get half-way with doing but completely obsessed over (I might be too late). I’m trying to make sure I don’t give up.
To help myself, I’ve finally started that off-ice workout program I’ve been talking about since March. My diet needs work but I’m actively pushing myself each day in my workouts and I’m gradually getting stronger — I hope anyway. I also hope that I manage to increase my endurance levels so that I can stake better-faster-longer. Hockey is not something I’m okay with being mediocre at.
I know it sounds naive, it sounds immature, probably more than a little bit delusional… But if I don’t dream big I have to wonder why I’m dreaming at all.
I didn’t write a blog for WHL last month because of this emotional hell I’ve been feeling over playing. Truthfully, I didn’t really feel like writing one this month either. The point of doing it though, writing about my journey at all, is to hold myself accountable and make sure I don’t keep falling down the rabbit holes. It’s a little bit to help whoever reads this, too; you may not currently be feeling the same as me but that doesn’t mean you haven’t before or won’t in the future. Just know that you’re not alone.